when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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