I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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