I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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