So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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