My nipple is on Facebook.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
