in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
