Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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