Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
