She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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