I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize