i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
