just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
