I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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