dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
