Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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