the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
