All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i came on her dog
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
