I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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