oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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