The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize