I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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