Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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