We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
