I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
