I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
All I want is dick and wine.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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