i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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