he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
