The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
