my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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