Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
