I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
