So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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