after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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