I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
