My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
