I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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