told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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