I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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