when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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