i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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