Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
