This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
