You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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