the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Go christen that room with your naked body.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
