Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
