i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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