I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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