my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
