On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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