So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
