dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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