I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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