I wish I could punch you in the face.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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