OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
