hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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