I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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