Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he thought i was a dude.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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