Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize