Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
