No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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