i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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