pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
