One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This is my gift to your gina
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
