i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
